Hey mom, I broke my ankle at the start of summer, go figure right?
You’ve been gone just about 13 years now which is fucking mind boggling to me but I guess time keeps going on and doesn’t really stop for anything or anyone.
I constantly wonder, like, on a daily basis how much would be different if you had never been taken away from me at such a young age. Like, I wonder a lot what would have happened if you had been around for my high school years, like you were for Jonathans. Would I have maybe actually been there most days in my final year? Instead of sitting in a shed smoking weed?(disclaimer; some of my most fondest memories took place in that shed and I wouldn’t trade them for anything) but still, what if? Would I have gotten to go on any class trips? Lord knows I would have loved to gone over to Europe. Or maybe you could have stopped me from making a lot of stupid choices that I would grow to regret and play over in my head again and again and again thinking ‘maybe if I had done this different things would be better’.
But life isn’t made up of maybes, so it’s a colossal waste of my time to think about the what ifs yet here I am, smoking a cigarette and still doing it.
I don’t believe in an afterlife so when we put you in the ground I think that’s exactly where you stayed. Your consciousness never went anywhere and you’re not on some other plain of existence watching over me. You died when I was eight years old and since I can’t really hold that against you as a poor life choice on your part(and believe me there were times where I was mad about it, and thought you could have fought harder) I still think you here, at least, in a sense. Whenever I speak to someone they’re sure to (even after 13 years) remind me just how much I look like you. That’s not to say I’m sick of hearing it either, it’s refreshing each time someone says it.
There’s a lot I could say, but I won’t.
Posting this seems kind of pointless but I know there’s a couple of family members who I don’t see quite as often as I should anymore that would appreciate seeing it, and that would appreciate seeing you. Which I’m lucky enough to at least be able to help make both those things happen in a weird way.
You won’t see this.
But we’ve all still got our pictures and I’ve still got my mirrors so we can
always see you.